Damn wei......today is just NOT my day.... damn suey.... firstly... my voice dint exactly recover..still sounded like a rusted robot when i talk, then i found out...Eugene Lee got the kecemerlangan tatasusila award!!! Fuck!! I felt I deserve the award whole lot better than him!! How the fuck did he get chosen in the first place??!! For the first time in my entire miserable life, i felt as if i need to fight for this, so i did. I went on a quest today to actually find out the members of the selection commitee, as expected, no teacher gave me a accurate answer but further digging made me discover that Pn. Tan (why doesnt that suprise me?) is the leading selection member for the form 6!! Damn wei!! I mean, did she delibrately NOT choose me? Everybody in the whole school knows that she is prejudiced against weak student who failed her paper. But, i do not what to think of her that way, she is my teacher afterall, i do not intend to think anything negetive about her at all. So, after talking to Pn. Kamariah, Cik Farizan and En. Izwan, I went to the staff room to look to Pn. Haslin and coincidently, Pn. Tan is there! I looked at her normally, and proceeded to scan the room to look for Pn. Haslin, then, she said, "What is the matter , Joseph". Theres a mixture of fustration, anger, sarcasm, and pissed off tone in her words. So I said, "I was wondering why i did not get the kecemerlangan tatasusila award", in the most polite and nice manner.. that i think really triggered her 'DiVA' mode and she went on to say in her usual 'diva-ish' kind of way something about its not up to me to decide whether i'm deserving or not and stuff alike and she said that she asked 'a lot' (this should be emphasised) of teachers and they did not even mention my name! And blah blah blah....Keep in mind that i did not recieve the intelligence that she was the head of the selection commitee. Okay... that really did it, i pretended that i accepted the answer and walked out of the staff room, angrier than ever before, her very words just screams at me that she IS the one who selected the people. With that i returned to class, fuming... then I saw Pn. Haslin in Upper 6 Akas, so i went in and started to confine in her about how terrible i felt, how useless and hopeless i felt. Everything i've every done from form 1 until now has amounted to nothing? I actually lost to that fucker Eugene? What sort of aspect have i lost out to him? I GOT NOTHING!!! I've lost out on kecemerlangan koko beacuse i was not the president of Interact, and st. John (which is rightfully mine in the first place!) and now the award that i felt i deserve has been snatched away from me without giving me a chance to compete....FUCK!!! Kan Ni na bu chau cibai! how could this happen? why? i kept on asking these questions to Pn. Haslin, under the pressure and huge emotional surge, i cried. Yes, i actually cried in front of her... cause i felt as if i have no friends, everyone is taking advantage of me, like i am not given any form of reconigition, how in signifigant i was in teacher's eyes, in everybody's eyes.... damn... this was proven to me when my 'friends' so called dub thee, just stood there and ignored me, no one came and console me.....Pn. Haslin said that I need to take this fall positively and look on the bright side of things... maybe my time isnt here yet she said. She understands how hurtful it can be as she herself has exprienced it, but what can people like is do? Decisions has been made and its as if me, questioning this is ever gonna change that. I said i know.....i just what to know why....... in truth i was seeking closure. She said a lot of things that really helped pull me up... she said she believed in me and that i can rise from this....
Well, after that, i went back to class to find myself digging futher into self pitying....no one came and console me except fro Chern Yen and Arul.... this shows that in the whole upper 6, theres only 2 people who actually notices me... who actually treat me as their friend.... then i told them my feelings..... and out of all people, a pro-eugene came and campur in our conversation, Shalini started to say how inferior i was compared to Eugene and how my absence in class yesterday has actually helped many people understand Pn. Yen's Chemistry lesson. By that she is actually implying that the whole class can actually learn better if i was not in the class!! FUCK HER! I rather transfer if this is the case..... damn... then Pn. Yen came in.... i asked her for yet another closure in my self depression.. the whole story was this.... Pn. Tan, being an exprienced form 6 teacher, was given the responsibility to select the people who is eligible to get the awards....not just for this, for all the other awards as well, as this award means nothing to them and that time is pressing on her, she has no time to actually ask the teachers one by one to find out the names, so she actually asked Pn. Yen for nominations, and from there she would ask the other teacher's opinion. Then i asked, why wasnt my name mentioned? She said that my name not mentioned was just a hindsight, my name was somehow 'forgotten' as in her opinion, Eugene stood out more than me by a little bit....... WHAT IS SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT THAT EUGENE??!! IS IS BECAUSE HE'S MORE INTELLIGENT THAN ME??!!! Sighs.... then she go on to say that this award is nothing.... that i do not need to fret or worry about this as everyone will be reconigised by the end of the year by their respective teachers... and she said, instead of looking at the cup as half-empty, why not look at it as half-full? In a sense, she did make sense...so, i accepted her answer and with Pn. Haslin's advice, begun to accept this closure.... my time isnt here.... opportunities being snatched away from me by someone undeserving....is all part of life... its a cruel life... life isnt fair... come to think of it.... since when is life fair? We see people like Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint getting famous just because of their looks and that Harry Potter casting isnt open to the rest of the world..... life's not fair.... It will take me time to fully accept these reasons.... but i am accepting it by the minute....sighs.... just want to vent out my feelings in my blog.... if u dont mind of course.... sorry for the long winded story.....
And, Alven and Fareez's script progress is worrying me.... our IU id approaching, our actors are all ready, but... without a script, we cant progress, how they can produce a script in time la, i sorta understands that they are under a lot of pressure, with their midterms being just next week, they are really stressed.... but thats why i kept asking them, to help them out, not tp pressurize them.... if they need help, they can approach me....i just hope that they can do it.
The form 3s, I hope the fire of Interact is still burning actively in ther hearts, dispite the exam pressure, i hopr they can still stay loyal to Interact....
So, thats all from me, this is your cap'n, signin off!!
